~~ MY PHOTO ALBUM ~~

✿ every picture ever taken of me ✿ captions by the subject ✿ 32 files ✿

★ WARNING: THIS PAGE HAS A LOT OF IMAGES ★ IT MAY TAKE A MOMENT TO LOAD ON 56K ★ IT IS WORTH IT ★ EVERY PHOTO IS OF ME ★ THAT IS THE THEME ★ THAT IS THE WHOLE THEME ★

Overhead photo of Misa lying in thick green grass wearing a hot pink bandana, head tilted back toward the camera with the tip of her tongue out — Pink is my colour and the grass is my runway, and NO I will not be getting up.

▓▓ 56K USERS: GO MAKE A SANDWICH ▓▓ BRING ME SOME ▓▓

▓ THE PUPPY YEARS ▓ please be normal about this ▓

I was small once. I don't like to dwell on it. I had no couch rights, no negotiating position, and ears that were doing whatever they wanted.

Misa as a puppy sitting on a person's lap on a sunny flagstone patio, looking off to one side, an open book held nearby, ocean in the distance — Sitting on mommy while she read. Note my expression. That is the face of a puppy being ignored in favour of literature.

Misa as a puppy facing the camera on a lap, tongue hanging straight down, blue sea and sky behind — My first ever glamour shot. The tongue was a choice. I stand by it.

Puppy Misa asleep upside down on a tan couch, head tipped all the way back, one ear flopped inside out — Asleep on the couch approximately nine minutes after learning the couch existed.

Overhead view of puppy Misa flopped flat and stretched out on a sunny lawn covered in dry leaves — Early evidence of my life's philosophy: find grass, become part of it.

Overhead close view of Misa lying flat on grass from behind, back legs stretched out straight — They kept taking pictures. I did not move. A stalemate.

Close-up of Misa's hind legs and paw pads splayed out across the grass next to a dry brown leaf — My legs. Off duty. This photograph exists because my family have no shame.

▓ GLAMOUR SHOTS ▓ I did not agree to all of these ▓

Some of these are art. Some of these are surveillance. You be the judge.

Misa seated on a bed wearing a hot pink paisley bandana, looking solemnly into the camera, lace pillow and floral rug around her — My official author photo. Note the bandana. Note the tragedy in the eyes. Note that I had eaten roughly one hour previously.

Golden hour portrait of Misa sitting on a stone patio in a pink collar, gazing up with amber eyes, terracotta roof and blue sky behind — I am simply gazing wistfully into the middle distance. Unrelated: the treat drawer is behind you.

Misa sprawled on a patterned couch in warm lamplight with her chin draped over a plush hedgehog toy, one eye open — Evening portrait with Mr. Hedgehog. This is the most relaxed any animal has ever been.

Misa trotting up a stone garden path in warm low sunlight carrying a torn-open milk carton in her mouth — The famous one. Golden hour, perfect light, stolen dairy. My full statement is on the home page.

▓ WALKIES ▓ the good outdoors ▓

A walk is when we go outside and I decide the pace. A run is a crime. Please do not confuse the two, as my father does, constantly.

Misa walking toward the camera on a dirt trail with a large stick held sideways in her mouth, wearing a pink bandana, dry grass and hills behind — ★ FEATURED PHOTOGRAPH ★ The stick. The bandana. The trail. This is the happiest I have ever been and it shows on my face.

Misa in a car back seat wearing a pink bandana, looking back over her shoulder, warm golden light coming through the window — In transit. Air conditioning aimed directly at my face, as is correct. Destination unknown but I have decided it isn't the vet.

Misa standing at the top of wooden porch steps with front paws on the step below, looking off to the side, glass drink dispensers and boxes on the porch behind her — I have been standing on these steps for forty minutes and NOBODY has offered me lemonade. There are literally two dispensers of it behind me.

Misa standing in tall bright green grass under harsh midday sun, squinting, wearing a pink and purple collar — The exact moment a "walk" was reclassified as a "jog" without my consent. I stopped. I stopped completely.

Still frame from a video of Misa standing beside a brown delivery truck on a wet gravel lane lined with trees — Escorting the brown truck off my land. Video on the home page. Still no snack.

▓ THE HEAT ▓ my greatest enemy ▓

These photographs were taken during my darkest hours. I share them so that others may learn.

Misa lying panting in the shade of a slatted pergola on a deck, blue sky and a lemon tree visible through the slats — The shade rectangle. Discovered by me, claimed by me, defended by me. Note the lemon tree, thriving, unbothered, smug.

Misa standing on a big mown lawn squinting one eye against bright low sun, ranch fence and agave in the background — "A nice sunny walk," he said. I am standing in a solar oven while a man with a camera enjoys himself.

Misa lying on a pale deck seen through a glass door, front legs crossed, looking up through the glass at the camera — Outside. Warm. The cold air machine is running on the other side of this glass. Somebody chose to photograph this instead of opening it.

Misa flopped flat on a deck with her chin pressed against the boards, one eye open, a black cat lying nearby — Peak heat. The boards were cool. I gave up everything — posture, dignity, ambition — and I would do it again.

▓ HORIZONTAL LIVING ▓ my actual profession ▓

People ask what I do. This is what I do. I am extremely good at it and I have the portfolio to prove it.

Misa curled in a tight circle on a cream sofa under warm lamplight, head turned back over her shoulder toward the camera — The definitive couch photograph. A perfect donut. Caught, but not apologetic.

Misa lying on a dark wood floor beside a cream armchair, both front legs stretched forward, looking up at the camera — Beside the chair rather than on it, which I want noted as a gesture of enormous goodwill on my part.

Misa lying on a green and gold patterned rug on honey-coloured wood flooring, head up, giving a soulful side-eye — The good rug. The one they'd rather I wasn't on. I have thought about this and my position is: it's the good rug.

Misa lying sphinx-style on a towel-covered lounge chair on a deck with a black cat curled against her shoulder — My chaise. The towel was already there. The cat is a security deposit.

▓ ME & THE CAT ▓ it's complicated ▓

I maintain publicly that the cat is a rival receiving unearned rations. Privately, the photographic record is what it is.

Misa in a pink bandana lying on a deck with her muzzle resting against a black cat's head, the cat staring at the camera — I would like it understood that she leaned into me. I have witnesses. I have none, actually, but I have this photograph.

Still frame from a video of Misa nuzzling a black cat on a sunny deck — Mid-groom. Unpaid labour. See Case #003.

★ MOVING PICTURE ★ Me, grooming a cat who has never once returned the favour.

▓ MY THINGS ▓ do not touch ▓

Misa lying on a wooden deck with a tan plush squirrel toy between her front paws, tongue tipped out, looking at the camera — Squirrel. Acquired new, care tag still attached. He has since been thoroughly personalised.

Overhead view of Misa lying on a jute rug with her nose resting against a plush hedgehog toy — Mr. Hedgehog. We are nose to nose because that is how you check a hedgehog is still yours.

▓ SPECIAL OCCASIONS ▓ & things done to me ▓

Extreme close-up from above of Misa wearing a red Santa hat, mouth wide open in a huge grin, warm lamplit room behind — Christmas. I have been extremely good all year and I would like that documented **before** the ham comes out of the oven.

Misa standing indoors in the evening with a mustard canvas coat draped over her back, looking sideways at the camera with a furrowed brow — Daddy put his coat on me because it was "cold." I am a dog. I *came* with a coat. This is now two coats and I have opinions.

A hand in a grey sweatshirt sleeve cupping Misa's chin as she leans into it with one eye closed, on a wooden deck by a white wall — Chin support, correctly administered. Daddy is finally being useful. This is the bare minimum but I accept it.

Downward view of a person's jeans and burgundy loafers on a lawn with Misa beside their feet looking straight up at the camera — The view from down here. I hold this for eleven straight minutes. She says "you already ate."

▓▓ THAT IS ALL THE PHOTOS ▓▓ THERE WILL BE MORE ▓▓ I AM VERY PHOTOGENIC ▓▓

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