~~ MY PHOTO ALBUM ~~

✿ every picture ever taken of me ✿ captions by the subject ✿ 43 files ✿

★ WARNING: THIS PAGE HAS A LOT OF IMAGES ★ IT MAY TAKE A MOMENT TO LOAD ON 56K ★ IT IS WORTH IT ★ ALMOST EVERY PHOTO IS OF ME ★ THAT IS THE THEME ★ THERE IS ONE OF THE POODLE ★ SHE INSISTED ★ THERE ARE SOME OF WILLOW ★ SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND ★ SHE IS ALLOWED ★

Misa lying on her side in thick green grass and clover wearing a pink paisley bandana, head tilted back toward the camera with the tip of her tongue out — Pink is my colour and the grass is my runway, and NO I will not be getting up.

▓▓ 56K USERS: GO MAKE A SANDWICH ▓▓ BRING ME SOME ▓▓

▓ THE WEDDING & THE BIRTHDAY ▓ recent developments ▓

Big year for this family. My mother is getting married, and before that she had a birthday, and I was involved in both in ways I did not choose.

Misa sitting on a tiled hallway floor wearing a white tulle wedding veil, looking away to the side, a gilt mirror behind her — The veil. Nobody has confirmed I am the bride. Nobody has denied it either. My full statement.

Misa lying on a wooden bench beside a small apricot poodle with handmade cardboard signs reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY and TIANA — Mommy’s birthday. Note that the poodle required an arrow. I did not require an arrow.

▓ THE PUPPY YEARS ▓ please be normal about this ▓

I was small once. I don't like to dwell on it. I had no couch rights, no negotiating position, and ears that were doing whatever they wanted.

Puppy Misa sitting on a person's lap on a sunny flagstone patio, glancing sideways, an open paperback held beside her, lawn and hedges behind — Sitting on mommy while she read. Note my expression. That is the face of a puppy being ignored in favour of literature.

Puppy Misa on a person's lap facing the camera with the tip of her tongue poking out, blue sky, lawn and a strip of sea behind — My first ever glamour shot. The tongue was a choice. I stand by it.

Puppy Misa asleep on a tan couch with her head tipped all the way back and one ear flopped inside out — Asleep on the couch approximately nine minutes after learning the couch existed.

Puppy Misa lying flat on a sunny green lawn with legs stretched out front and back, seen from above, dry brown leaves nearby — Early evidence of my life's philosophy: find grass, become part of it.

Puppy Misa lying flat on sunlit green grass seen from directly above, hind legs stretched straight out behind her among a few dry brown leaves — They kept taking pictures. I did not move. A stalemate.

Puppy Misa's two hind legs, paw pads and tail stretched out across green grass beside a dry brown leaf, seen from directly above — My legs. Off duty. This photograph exists because my family have no shame.

▓ GLAMOUR SHOTS ▓ I did not agree to all of these ▓

Some of these are art. Some of these are surveillance. You be the judge.

Misa sitting on a patterned rug beside a bed, wearing a pink paisley bandana and looking wide-eyed at the camera — My official author photo. Note the bandana. Note the tragedy in the eyes. Note that I had eaten roughly one hour previously.

Misa in a pink collar on a stone-paved patio, close up, looking up with amber eyes, terracotta roof, stone wall and blue sky behind her — I am simply gazing wistfully into the middle distance. Unrelated: the treat drawer is behind you.

Misa lying on a patterned brown couch with her chin resting on a plush hedgehog toy, gazing off to the side — Evening portrait with Mr. Hedgehog. This is the most relaxed any animal has ever been.

Misa trotting up a garden path in warm backlight carrying a torn-open Organic Valley milk carton sideways in her mouth — The famous one. Golden hour, perfect light, stolen dairy. My full statement is on file.

▓ THE FACE ▓ my professional portfolio ▓

This is my instrument. I have refined it over many years and it works roughly a third of the time, which over a lifetime is a truly enormous quantity of biscuit.

Misa sitting on a light wood kitchen floor in front of a stainless steel dishwasher, head tipped up toward the camera with wide eyes — The dishwasher vigil. One time, in the past, something fell out of this machine. I have never recovered and I never will.

Misa on a mesh patio lounger under wooden slats beside a leafy tree, looking up at the camera with the tip of her tongue poking out — The face I do when there is food, when there might be food, and — as here — on the general principle that there could be.

▓ WALKIES ▓ the good outdoors ▓

A walk is when we go outside and I decide the pace. A run is a crime. Please do not confuse the two, as my father does, constantly.

Misa walking toward the camera on a dirt trail with a long bare stick held sideways in her mouth, wearing a pink bandana, dry brush behind — ★ FEATURED PHOTOGRAPH ★ The stick. The bandana. The trail. This is the happiest I have ever been and it shows on my face.

Misa sitting in a car back seat wearing a pink bandana, looking back over her shoulder with wide eyes, warm sunlight through the window — In transit. Air conditioning aimed directly at my face, as is correct. Destination unknown but I have decided it isn't the vet.

Misa sitting at the top of wooden porch steps with front paws on the step below, looking off to the side, glass drink dispensers and boxes behind her — I have been standing on these steps for forty minutes and NOBODY has offered me lemonade. There are literally two dispensers of it behind me.

Misa standing in tall bright green grass in harsh sunlight, squinting at the camera, wearing a pink and purple patterned collar — The exact moment a "walk" was reclassified as a "jog" without my consent. I stopped. I stopped completely.

Still frame from a video of Misa standing beside the rear of a brown UPS truck on a wet paved lane lined with green trees — Escorting the brown truck off my land. Video evidence here. Still no snack.

Misa and Willow, a large white labrador, standing on their hind legs with their front paws up on the open side doorway of a brown UPS truck parked on a gravel lane under olive trees — The brown truck, now inspected by two dogs. The door was open. There was no snack in there either. I had my whole head in.

▓ THE HEAT ▓ my greatest enemy ▓

These photographs were taken during my darkest hours. I share them so that others may learn.

Misa lying on a sunny wooden deck beneath a slatted pergola, the tip of her tongue poking out, a lemon tree and blue sky behind the slats — The shade rectangle. Discovered by me, claimed by me, defended by me. Note the lemon tree, thriving, unbothered, smug.

Misa standing on a striped mown lawn in bright sun, one eye squinted shut, one ear flipped back, rail fence and agave behind — "A nice sunny walk," he said. I am standing in a solar oven while a man with a camera enjoys himself.

Misa lying on a pale grey wooden deck seen through a glass door, front legs crossed, looking up at the camera — Outside. Warm. The cold air machine is running on the other side of this glass. Somebody chose to photograph this instead of opening it.

Misa lying with her head flat on a wooden deck, one eye half open, a black cat lying beside her looking at the camera — Peak heat. The boards were cool. I gave up everything — posture, dignity, ambition — and I would do it again.

▓ HORIZONTAL LIVING ▓ my actual profession ▓

People ask what I do. This is what I do. I am extremely good at it and I have the portfolio to prove it.

Misa curled in a tight circle on a cream blanket on a sofa, head turned back over her shoulder, eyes wide toward the camera — The definitive couch photograph. A perfect donut. Caught, but not apologetic.

Misa lying on a dark wood floor beside a cream armchair, front legs stretched forward, looking up at the camera with a pleading expression — Beside the chair rather than on it, which I want noted as a gesture of enormous goodwill on my part.

Misa lying on a green and gold patterned rug on a pale wood floor, head raised, looking up at the camera with a soulful expression — The good rug. The one they'd rather I wasn't on. I have thought about this and my position is: it's the good rug.

Misa lying sphinx-style on a white towel-covered lounge chair on a wooden deck with a black cat curled against her shoulder, both looking at the camera — My chaise. The towel was already there. The cat is a security deposit.

▓ ME & MY ASSOCIATE ▓ the black cat ▓

People assume we are rivals. People are wrong. She works the fence line, I work the ground floor, and neither of us has ever told on the other.

Misa lying on a wooden deck beside a standing black cat, both facing away toward a dry yard and citrus tree under a golden sunset sky — End of shift. We come out here most evenings and look at the property together and say nothing.

Misa in a pink bandana lying on a deck with her muzzle resting on a black cat's head, the cat squinting and looking aside — I would like it understood that she leaned into me. I have witnesses. I have none, actually, but I have this photograph.

Still frame from a video of Misa, head lowered behind a black cat lying on a sunny wooden deck, wearing a pink patterned collar — Mid-groom. Unpaid labour, cheerfully given. See the appendix.

★ MOVING PICTURE ★ Me, grooming a cat who has never once returned the favour.

▓ MY BEST FRIEND ▓ Willow ▓ she comes over ▓

Willow. White labrador, belongs to a friend of daddy’s, arrives every so often and cancels the day. We play until one of us falls over, and then we do the couch together. Her character reference.

Misa lying flat with her chin on a brown quilted couch cover while Willow, a large white labrador, sits upright beside her facing the camera, a kitchen with a pale yellow fridge behind them — Her first sitting. She sat up for the camera. I did not, because I know how this ends: a picture, and no snack.

Willow, a large white labrador, with her tongue hanging out and one front paw in a round stone water bowl on a sunny flagstone patio beside a white wall — She drinks water by standing in it. I have decided this is her business.

Misa curled asleep at one end of a couch under a brown quilted cover and Willow, a large white labrador, asleep with her chin down at the other, a kitchen with a pale yellow fridge behind — Same evening, two positions, zero regrets. The couch remains mine; she is on it under licence.

Overhead view of Willow, a large white labrador, stretched on her side across a couch draped in a brown quilted cover, with Misa lying curled below her — From above. Note that she is white and the couch is brown and I am brown. One of us has made an effort to blend in and it is not her.

▓ MY SISTER ▓ the poodle ▓ we are working on it ▓

I love her. We do not always get along. Both of those are true at once and I have made my peace with it.

A small apricot poodle lying with its head on a cream crinkled blanket, one eye open and looking at the camera — On the good blanket. One eye open. That eye is not resting — that eye is *working*.

▓ MY THINGS ▓ do not touch ▓

Misa lying on a wooden deck in a pink bandana with a plush hedgehog toy on its back between her front paws, tongue tip out, looking at the camera — Mr. Hedgehog. Acquired new, care tag still attached. He has since been thoroughly personalised.

Misa lying on a woven jute rug seen from above, her nose nearly touching a plush hedgehog toy — Mr. Hedgehog. We are nose to nose because that is how you check a hedgehog is still yours.

▓ SPECIAL OCCASIONS ▓ & things done to me ▓

Misa in a red Santa hat photographed close up from above, mouth wide open showing her teeth, looking up at the camera — Christmas. I have been extremely good all year and I would like that documented **before** the ham comes out of the oven.

Misa standing indoors in the evening with a mustard canvas work coat draped over her back, looking sideways at the camera with a worried expression — Daddy put his coat on me because it was "cold." I am a dog. I *came* with a coat. This is now two coats and I have opinions.

Misa on a wooden deck leaning her chin into a person's hand in a grey sleeve, one eye squinted shut, beside a white wall — Chin support, correctly administered. Daddy is finally being useful. This is the bare minimum but I accept it.

Misa in a pink bandana beside a person's blue jeans and burgundy loafers on a lawn, looking straight up at the camera — The view from down here. I hold this for eleven straight minutes. She says "you already ate."

▓▓ THAT IS ALL THE PHOTOS ▓▓ THERE WILL BE MORE ▓▓ I AM VERY PHOTOGENIC ▓▓

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